Breathe Me
by TheHungerPains729
Summary: Tracy's parents get her the help she needs and she seems to be getting better. What will happen though when Evie shows up again out of the blue? Will she go back to her old ways and lose control of herself once again? M for self-destructive behavior, language, and drug use.
1. Bouncing Back

A/N: This is rated M for good reasons. This fic will most likely have self-harm, drug use and eating disorder-ness throughout (two of the three issues which I myself have experienced in the past and still am currently) so read at your own risk.

Also, some characteristics and bad habits will be OC obviously so don't bother mentioning to me what I already know.

* * *

Chapter One: Bouncing Back

. . .

"Tracy! Mom says you need to get out of the bathroom now! She says your time is up!"

Tracy Freeland sighed and rolled her eyes as she dried her legs and arms with the cotton towel after she got out of the shower. Ever since the intervention, her mother had put time restrictions on her for the bathroom. She hated this; it made her feel like she was five and had to do everything by mommy's watch. She felt like she was being treated like a child again and it was getting old really fast.

"Tracy, did you hear me?"

She whipped around and turned her body to face the door even though she knew her brother couldn't see her. "Damn it, Mason! I know! Will you just leave me the fuck alone already?!"

"Language, Trace…" Her mother called as she stood outside the doorway, no doubt. "Dry yourself off and come on out, please."

Tracy closed her eyes and took a deep breath, feeling her blood boiling in some uncontrollable rage she had only felt before every self destructive session she had in that bathroom. She opened her eyes after counting to ten and then forced herself to open the door, holding the towel around her naturally skinny body before forcing her way into her bedroom, locking the door behind her before she dropped the towel to the floor.

The only privacy she was allowed to have now was that in her own bedroom. At least her mother had allowed her that. As she put on her underwear and bra, her thoughts trailed to Evie Zamora and what she might be doing now, and then a horrible thought occurred to her; she was most likely still going to her school. Oh god, she was going to have to see her every day once school started up again. She shook the fears from her thoughts as she pulled her legs through her jeans and then pulled on a long sleeved light blue shirt that covered her healing self harm scars on her arms.

It had been a couple months since she had last cut but her family knew she had relapses. Her mom looked like she was about to cry at any second every time she found out about the new cuts and Mason didn't seem to fully understand how someone could purposely hurt themselves but he made attempts.

As Tracy began to brush her wet hair and apply her eyeliner, she heard a rap on the door.

"Tracy, I'm making waffles! Would you like some, sweetheart?"

She hated when her mother used that nickname. It was impossible for her to say no just out of fear of disappointing her mother more than she already had. "Yes, please! I'll be out in a few minutes!" Tracy called back to her.

She heard footsteps fade away towards the kitchen and she looked at herself in the mirror, examining every inch of her body. Placing a hand on her stomach, she turned around and looked at herself up and down. She didn't feel all that beautiful anymore and the scars on her arms seemed monstrous to her but she knew that she should feel good about herself. She had gotten the help she needed; her parents scavenged up money to pay for a therapist and she had been doing alright. She hadn't inflicted any pain on herself in a couple months and she was starting to feel like her old self again. She had even started to wear some of her old clothes from before she met Evie.

Tracy took another deep breath before grabbing a pair of green and blue knee high socks and then started out towards the kitchen. She sat down at the table beside Mason who was already eating his three waffles. She carefully began to put her socks on, that is, careful not to get it in any of Mason's maple syrup, as she glanced out the window.

It was sunny and she could feel the heat of the Californian sun coming through the window. It felt nice and it reminded her of the person she had once been. Mason eyed her almost cautiously before looking at their mother and then going back to her waffles.

"Everything alright, Trace?" Her mother asked her as she placed the plate of waffles in front of her, concern in her eyes.

Tracy looked back at her and smiled softly before nodding. "Yeah, everything's great, mom. How is work going? Have you been busy?"

Her mother sat down beside her and gently tucked a lock of hair behind her ear affectionately before smiling back at her and then shrugged. "Work's been decent. Everyone else has been pretty busy with their own lives, but… I still have my usual few customers. You know how it is."

Tracy nodded in understanding and took a bite of hot waffle that she had smothered in syrup, savoring the taste.

"How's… how's Brady?" Tracy asked, trying to make an effort to be interested in her mom's boyfriends, as well as accepting.

It had been one of the things she had talked about with her therapist; she had been asked to make an attempt to get to know Brady better and even try to think of him as a possible stepfather. She found it difficult though being that he was younger than her real father and a drug addict on top of it all.

"Brady's doing okay, baby. He has an interview at the mechanic's shop down the street in a few days so… hopefully that'll go well. Why do you ask about him?"

Tracy half smiled and shrugged before shoveling another forkful of waffle into her mouth, taking her time to chew it to buy herself some time. "Just asking."

Her mother relaxed and leaned back in her chair, still smiling but this time it was almost sadly. "How's the progress you're making with your therapist? Your father tells me you're still seeing her."

She glanced over at Mason who was looking down at his breakfast, pretending not to be listening even though she knew better. Her seeing a therapist was embarrassing enough without having to talk about it in front of her big brother. It was bad enough he had been at the intervention and see all the money and drugs she had stashed in her drawer.

"Mom? Umm… can we talk about that later? I need to go over to Luke's house and help him clean," Tracy hurriedly finished her waffles and wiped her mouth on a napkin before she placed her plate in the sink and put her converse shoes on.

"Oh, right. Yeah, of course we can talk about it later, Tracy. We will talk about it later though, right?" Mel asked in a testing tone.

"Yes, mother, we will. I promise. I love you," Tracy kissed her mom's cheek and then started out the door, walking over to her neighbor's house and gently knocking.

Since starting her therapy sessions, another part of the deal was that every time she felt the urge to hurt herself, she would try to do good things for other people instead to distract her from self destructive thoughts. This was a secret from Mel though; she had just told her that Luke asked her for her help out of the blue. Luke, however, was in on her real reasoning, though.

"Hey, Tracy. I'm actually really glad you're here; my house is a wreck."

"Well gee, Luke, I'm so glad that I'm the maid service and I can clean your fucking house for you," Tracy remarked sarcastically as she pushed her way inside to inspect the damage.

There was a sky high load of dirty plates in the sink, mud tracks on the floor of the kitchen, crumbs and stains on the counters, and dust and clothes on the floor. She was partially grateful that she'd be able to keep her mind occupied for the next few hours.

"Sorry, Tracy… I just meant that –" Luke started but Tracy cut across him.

"It's fine, lifeguard boy. I get it," she reassured him half-heartedly before she started to fill the sink up with hot water and dish soap.

"No, it's not, Tracy. I really am sorry," Luke said quietly, walking over to her as she looked out the window. "I know that you were influenced a lot by Evie and I know that that's not really how you are. You're going through a lot right now and I need to be more supportive."

Tracy looked up at him and shook her head, smiling gently. "It's really fine, Luke. I like coming here and cleaning your house, really. It helps me get my mind off of bad thoughts," Tracy smirked playfully at him before shutting the hot water off and began to wash.

"Are you still….?"

"Still what? You might want to be more specific."

Luke was quiet for awhile and cleared his throat before he sighed. "You know, getting high, cutting…?"

"Nope, haven't for the past couple of months now. That doesn't mean I haven't wanted to, though." Tracy washed the dishes in a clockwise motion.

Luke nodded in acknowledgement and she heard him move a bit closer to her. "You're doing really good, Trace. You're incredibly strong."

"I don't feel strong, though, Luke. The scars are still there to remind me of how much I fucked up my life. I'll be lucky if I can get a job with them; I can't wear long sleeves forever."

Suddenly, she felt Luke gently grab her arm and pull her sleeve up. She watched him as he slowly kissed the raised scars on her skin, just as her mother had done months ago. It seemed like such a tender moment that Tracy was afraid to stop him. She bit her lip, just watching him as he reminded her of what her and Evie had almost done with him several months earlier in this house. What had started out innocently enough had almost turned into a jailbait threesome. The only difference now was that Tracy had turned fourteen and perhaps had grown just a bit fuller up top.

"Luke… you know we can't do anything…" She just about whispered to him.

He pulled her sleeve down a little and nodded, dropping her arm slowly. "I know. I just… wanted you to feel loved, Tracy. I wanted you to know that I'm always here if you need it. You know, as a friend."

She nodded and searched his sea green eyes. "Thank you, Luke. That means a lot but… I'm okay. Evie and I aren't friends anymore and…I've accepted that."

Tracy and Luke exchanged small talk and the occasional laugh as she cleaned his house from top to bottom, throwing his beer bottles in the trash and tidying up wherever possible. Once she was done, she was sweating slightly and he had given her $40. She thanked him and then pocketed it before she walked back over to her friend but nearly stopped dead when she saw who was standing by the thick oak tree in the front yard.

"E-Evie?"

* * *

I realize this is mega short but it's just a teaser to see if people are actually going to read this and be interested in it or not so if you like it, review it!


	2. Evie Returns

Chapter Two: Evie Returns

. . .

"Hi, Tracy… how are you doing?"

A wave of different emotions came flooding at her all at once as she watched Evie stand there in front of her. She couldn't believe she had the balls to show up again in her life after what she did. Tracy looked around to make sure that no one else was outside with them and then looked back at her, running her hands through her long blonde hair.

"Are you fucking serious, Evie? You haven't said a word to me since you blew me in to everyone and left me high and dry, and now you actually come back and ask me how I'm doing?! What the hell is wrong with you?!"

Evie looked a bit timid as she shifted her weight uncomfortably and was silent for a long time before she forced herself to look back at Tracy. "I know… what I did was really bad but… I'm sorry, Tracy. You don't understand, though. I was just… in a really bad place and I panicked! I didn't know what to do."

Tracy felt her chest tighten, not fully understanding but feeling desperate for a friend again. She absentmindedly began to pick off her nail polish with her fingertips. "Y-You… you better get out of here before someone sees you, Evie."

She stared at Tracy with sad doe eyes and nodded slowly before she started walking away, down the street before finally breaking out into a run. Tracy watched her disappear and she found herself feeling nostalgic again. This girl had played games with her mind and screwed her over but yet, Evie had also helped her out of her naivety as well. She had helped her grow up, regardless that it had been too fast for everyone's tastes, but grow up nonetheless. She really didn't have her old friends back and the only people she did have was Luke and her own family, which didn't say a whole lot. She felt nostalgic for the old times again, nostalgic for that feeling of losing absolute control.

"Hey, mom wants to talk to you inside, Trace," her brother's familiar voice broke her out of her thoughts.

Tracy turned around to see him with his surfboard in arm. "O-Oh, okay. Thanks, Mason," she hurried inside and then started looking around for her mother. "Mom?"

She walked from room to room until she heard laughter coming from the kitchen and then stopped dead in her tracks when she saw Brady pinning her mother against the wall and nibbling playfully on her neck. Her mom pushed him away and straightened herself, looking suddenly embarrassed.

"Oh, Tracy… I'm sorry, sweet pea. Brady came by unexpectedly, but look what he brought," Melanie reached over and grabbed the bouquet of flowers. "Aren't they beautiful?"

Tracy felt a knot twist in the pit of her stomach and then glanced over at Brady who still looked unshaven with hair disheveled. She felt an overwhelming sense of déjà vu and felt hurt. She clenched and unclenched her fists now, trying to remain calm and not storm off.

"Yeah, mom… they're great but… d-didn't you want to talk to me about something? That's what… Mason said to me on his way out," Tracy asked her, glancing at Brady again who wrapped his arm around her mother.

"Oh! That's right. Let me just… find a place for these –"

Brady leaned into Mel and kissed her forehead before semi whispering to her. "I need to be back at the garage in an hour. Do you think you can fix me up something to eat?"

She turned to him now, her eyes widening. "Y-You got the job?"

He smiled brightly and nodded. "I got the job."

"That's wonderful! Wow, I'm so happy for you, Brady! That's great! Let me whip you up something to eat before you go," Melanie offered, wrapping her arms around his neck before she walked over and placed the flowers in a vase, setting them on the table and then walking into the kitchen to start his lunch.

Tracy swallowed back the sudden rage she was feeling, her mom seemingly completely forgetting about her. "I'm sure it really takes experience to work at a mechanic's shop," she suddenly snapped, unable to hold it in any longer.

Her mother didn't seem to have heard it but Brady turned to her and walked over to her, shrugging. "I think it takes a bit of experience, Trace. I doubt you could work there, for instance."

She glanced over at her mom and then shot a glare at Brady. "The only experience you have is getting high. Who would ever want to hire a junkie?"

"I could say the same for you too, you know. Why don't we go have a talk while your mother makes lunch? Come on," he urged, giving her no room to object before he lightly grabbed her arm and tugged her down the hall into her mother's room and half closed the door.

"What is wrong with you, Tracy? You've been doing so well until today. What changed?"

Tracy swallowed hard, knowing that she couldn't tell anyone about seeing Evie again. She looked up at him. "I'm just… sick of you being here! You're trying to replace my real father and I'm not going to let it happen! You're not marrying my mom, Brady!"

Brady sighed and leaned against the door, looking at her. "Who said anything about marriage? I haven't even proposed to your mother and I know for a fact that she's not even thinking about remarrying any time soon. You won't have to see me for very long anymore since I got this new job anyway. I'm doing this for all of us, Tracy."

She wasn't sure what to say to do this and she found it easier to argue and fight with him than get along. "My mom was going to say something to me and then you had to come around and fuck it up! I'm actually trying around here but everyone else isn't! No one else is except for me! I'm just fucking sick of it!"

Brady closed the door now and she stood up abruptly. "No, we're not done talking, Trace. We need to get through this and you need to get used to seeing me around your mother. I love her and I want to help you just as much as she does, but you're not helping yourself either."

"Fuck off, Brady. The only reason she wants you around is for a good lay," Tracy suddenly alleged. She didn't even know where this had come from but it felt familiar to her. Had just seeing Evie again brought this out in her?

She stormed past him and was about to open the door when he suddenly grabbed her arm and shoved her backwards, a look of disbelief in his eyes as he shook his head. "What has gotten into you? You're spoiled and you have no reason to be acting like you are! Treat me and your mother with some respect. I think I've earned that much from you!"

Tracy sighed then massaged her hurt arm where he had grabbed her. She tried to calm herself down and what he said brought her back down to earth. "Fine… I'm sorry, alright? Can I… go out to Melrose? I have my own money," she asked in her normal tone of voice.

"What about lunch?"

"I'm not really that hungry. I just… want to get some clothes before school starts again. I'll be back in a few hours."

Brady's eyes turned apologetic the nicer she talked to him and he nodded a bit reluctantly but got out of her way. "Be careful, and call if you need anything."

"Thanks, Brady… good luck at your job today," she smiled weakly and then walked into the kitchen and hurriedly put her shoes on.

"Hey, I just made some lunch. Where do you think you're going?"

Tracy looked at her and smiled softly. "Melrose. Brady said it was okay. Enjoy your lunch together," she said somewhat meaningfully before she hugged her mother and kissed her cheek before escaping.

She started walking towards the bus stop and then got on just as it arrived there. She fingered the money in her pocket that Luke had given her as she found a seat to herself. Once the bus started rolling down the road towards the shops on Melrose Avenue, she stared out the window in thought. She was slipping again and there was a part of her that wanted to forgive Evie and move on. There was a part of Tracy that still felt like she even loved Evie on a romantic level and wanted to try to start over with her. What happened was fucked up, she was aware of this, but she couldn't stand being around Brady. She couldn't stand the looks that both Luke and Mason both gave her, especially when they saw her cuts. She could barely stand to look at her own reflection in the damn mirror anymore. She hated herself just as much as her old friends still did, if not more. What no one knew though was that self hatred was worse than other people hating you; you didn't have to see those people every day but you had to see yourself every second of every day for the rest of your life and when you hate your body as much as Tracy felt she did, it was hell on earth.

Once the bus finally stopped at its destination, she stood up and got off before heading into one of the stores she had started shopping in after meeting Evie, Red Balls. She glanced over at the girls near the registers. They were different girls than were here before but they were still too preoccupied in their chatter and laughter to pay attention at who came in and went out with what, nor did they really seem to care. She knew that mother and Brady wouldn't like that she was coming here again, but maybe Brady wouldn't have been surprised. She started browsing, trying on different pairs of jeans in the dressing rooms, tears filling up her eyes when she realized she had gained weight and wasn't able to fit in the same size jeans she once had been able to.

Just as she was trying on the pair of jeans that was two sizes bigger, a size six, she stopped mid leg, hearing voices enter the dressing room.

"I can't believe you want to hang out with that bitch again, even after she caused all that drama from before. God, Evie, what the hell are you thinking?"

Evie…

"I don't know. I-I miss her… she was more than just… 'some bitch,' Astrid. She was more than to me than that!" Tracy heard Evie defend her.

She nearly held her breath as she continued to listen to Evie and the girl that had replaced her. Did Evie really feel that way? Why would she lie if she didn't know that Tracy was there? She wouldn't, right?

She knew that Evie was manipulative but she didn't think she would be that way towards other friends. Tracy silently put her other leg through the leg whole and was quiet still as she examined herself in the dressing stall mirror.

"Well fine, Evie, but Christ… you really want her back into our lives? She's nothing. And why the hell would I want to see her again after she replaced me once you two became buddy buddy?"

She heard Evie sigh in the dressing room next to her. "Shut the fuck up, Astrid, or you'll get replaced again! I felt something for her that I haven't ever felt with another girl so if you fuck this up for me, I swear that you'll never hang out with me ever again," Evie threatened.

Astrid became quiet now and then Tracy heard Evie come out of the stall and leave the dressing room, talking again like she had never even snapped at her at all. She waited a few minutes before she changed out of her new jeans and back into her old ones again. She left the dressing room too. She glanced around for cameras and then glanced over at the two register girls who were completely oblivious before she turned around and pulled the tag off of the jeans. She was grateful that Red Balls was the only store on Melrose Avenue that didn't have the plastic sensory detectors on their clothes.

She hurried out of the store and then followed Evie and Astrid until the two girls parted ways and Evie was alone again. Tracy followed her until she gathered the courage to make herself known.

"H-Hey, Evie…"

The young girl turned around in surprise and then suddenly hugged Tracy in a tight hug. "Tracy! I'm so glad you're here! I thought I wasn't going to see you again…"

Tracy let her hug her and even let herself hug Evie back, having missed the perfume scent that clung to her, that felt so familiar. "It's good to see you again too…"

Evie let go of her finally and smiled brightly, laughing almost in disbelief. "I can't believe we saw each other again today for the second time. What are the odds, right?"

_Pretty good, actually, _Tracy thought to herself, smiling back, faking disbelief. "Yeah, I know. Umm… I'm sorry about how I treated you earlier. I was just… surprised to see you again after what happened. D-Do you think we can hang out again?"

Evie wrapped her arm casually around Tracy's waist as they walked down the boulevard together. "Oh god, yes. We totally need to. I have so much to tell you. What happened after the intervention?"

Tracy couldn't help but still harbor poor feelings towards her in regard to that. She had felt so betrayed. "My mom made me see a head shrinker, and she couldn't help me with anything so I'm still messed up. Brady just got a job working as a grease monkey at some mechanic shop and my real dad isn't around still. What happened with your… with Brooke?"

Evie glanced over at her and shrugged. "Umm… she sort of… died."

Tracy stopped and turned to her. "Whoa, wait… hold up. She died? How?"

Evie's eyes displayed momentary sadness. "She killed herself."

She couldn't believe what she had heard and for some reason, she felt responsible somehow. Tracy's insides sank like a stone in an ocean. "K-Killed herself? Because… because of what you… of what we did?"

"Oh, no. It happened a few months ago. I don't even really know why she did it. They just found a whole bunch of pills in her and chalked it up to an intentional overdose or something. They were going to put me in the system but… then her boyfriend adopted me, and took me in,"

Tracy didn't know who Brooke's boyfriend was, and she had thought that they had broke up with each other a long time ago, but after finding out that nothing was what it had seemed with Evie, she didn't know what was truth anymore. She didn't know what to say to it but just nodded in acknowledgement instead.

"Yeah, pretty weird, right? Anyway, it's not so bad. He lets me go wherever I want whenever I want as long as I come home occasionally," Evie smirked. "Anyway, we probably can't hang out at your place anymore so meet me at the park tomorrow night and I'll bring Lucy with me."

Tracy looked at her confused, shaking her head. "Who's… who's Lucy?"

Evie moved in closer until she could feel her breath on her neck and whispered in her ear, chuckling. "LSD, you idiot."

"O-Oh, right. That sounds good. Aren't you going to be in school though tomorrow?"

"Nope. Brooke's boyfriend, Jeff, didn't enroll me so I pretty much dropped out," she laughed with not a care in the world.

Tracy almost envied her in that moment but she didn't say anything. "Okay, well then I guess I'll see you tomorrow night. I should go home now anyway. It was great seeing you again."

Evie hugged her again, a bit more tightly this time and then unexpectedly kissed her on her neck before searching her eyes. "You too, Tracy. See you tomorrow!"

"Bye…" Tracy waved to her and hurried over to the bus stop where she sat down and waited almost impatiently, wanting tomorrow night to come sooner.

She felt excited that she was back on good terms with Evie and excited to have her crush back in her life again. Tracy knew that she should be cautious right now but she wanted more than anything for this to work out. Evie had felt like a sister to her, and she wanted that sister back, even after she had screwed her into the ground. She felt so bad and down on herself that she wanted the one person who saw all the good things in her back in her life again. She wanted more than anything to feel… alive. She just hoped that it wouldn't end like it did last time.


End file.
